Thick and Thin

I am not sure if anyone is still reading this, but here it goes.

It has been a while since I logged on. I have been thinking about it, but I guess I was not in the mood to write.

Christmas went well. Lee got me a "blog friendly stocking" with workout socks, headbands, an iTunes gift card, and a super cute Crossfit shirt. I splurged on screwdrivers and my fiances homemade pizza for lunch, and ate strictly veggies for dinner, no dessert. I maintained at 165 throughout that weekend, though I did not work out as planned :(

Today I went to Crossfit. Workout was:

4 rounds

*80 yard weight carry (forget technical name, but you carry the weights you normally put on the barbell for 80 yards.)
*15 thick bar chin ups
*250 m row

I did really well. The trainer suggested I carry 30 pounds for the first part (15 each hand) but after I breeezed down to the end of the line and back, I asked to start over with more weight. I ended up carrying 50 pounds instead, which other than the tricky grip, was pretty easy.
For chin ups I used a resistance band to assist me getting to the top. I was a little disappointed that I still could not do even 1 on my own, but also pleased because it was my first time graduating from jumping pull ups to using the band. It was really hard. The forearm of my left hand felt rock hard by the end of it, and I had to take off my engagement ring because it was rubbing my already calloused finger raw. (hehe, I totally feel hardcore after typing that).

Also felt good because of some positive feedback I got on a facebook photo, which shows my emerging waist. Woo hoo!

Diet was ok. Eggs for breakfast, pretzals for a morning snack, 2 spoonfuls of applesuace during lunch with my class, starbucks drink for lunch: Iced Venti Sugarfree Vanilla Soy Latte (poor choice I know, but I needed the caffiene, and despite the drink being 130 calories, when I drink it I can't eat anything. Plus, there was protein from the soy!). Saltines for an afternoon snack. Dinner was not a good choice-leftover baked ziti. I blame the fact that Lee and I have not gone on a real grocery trip in almost 2 weeks, and I left my salad stuff at work. Needless to say, despite a completely reasonable portion, I felt really fat and gross after. I weighed myself (pointless I realize) and was 166, which made me feel even worse. I tried to reason that you shouldn't weigh yourself at the end of the day, blah blah, but I still felt bad. I had this strong urge to go to the apartment gym and run, but then the overwhelming need to do laundry for our trip this weekend won out, and I ate chocolate instead. 4 pieces of dark chocolate. Which totally helped the fat feeling. not so much. ughhhhhhhh. I know Lee was trying to give me one sweet thing for my stocking, but I wish he hadn't, as obviously I am not strong enough to say no to it.

Weird how a person can go from feeling fit and thin (thinner anyway) to feeling fat fat fat all in the same day. I think it is all the pressure of seeing my family in a few short days. I am trying to reason with myself that I am down TWENTY POUNDS since most of them last saw me, but it is hard for me to see that number, and I can't help worrying they will be disappointed. I found myself trying on potential outfits for my trip today, and scruntinizing the way I looked in all of them. The fact also that very few people have noticed a difference in the way I look (or verbally awknowleged anyway) is making me doubt that these 20 pounds are real. Did I make this up? Did I really weigh 185-187 when I bought my dress last Christmas? Why have I only dropped 1-2 sizes? Am I so overweight that 20 pounds is unnoticeable? Ughhh.

Well, that is enough of my inner monologue. I am partially sharing fro those of you who have messaged me expressing similar feelings, in the hopes that you will feel less alone.

I am going to immediately add a fun entry to negate this one. Tomorrow is a new day (and a Crossfit one!). Any texts or fb messages with thin thoughts would be much appreciated. I am starting to think I have hallucinated my progress...

xoxox