Where to begin?Suddenly there are only 96 days until my wedding. That's 3 months, 6 days. It is not a lot. For the wedding itself I wish the time were less. I cannot wait to marry my fiance Lee. I have known I wanted to marry him from the first week we were together, and after being together almost 4 years, and living together for 2 years, I feel the same way. I would marry him pretty much anywhere, anytime. (In fact, on particularly cuddly mornings, I have been known to suggest skipping work to get married that very day...which is always met with a resounding "no" by my ever practical fiance). But I have to love him for this. I would really miss the white dress and the champagne and my family seeing the whole thing go down. So I can wait.However, there is one thing that is always on my mind, that makes 96 days feel like only 96 seconds, a useless amount of time for anything real. This thing is...ugh.......................................(my weight)I felt about that small when I wrote it. Although it really feels like MY WEIGHT!!!!!!!!My weight is the one thing holding me back from being excited about my wedding. I simply cannot be a 100% happy glowing bride if I cannot come to some level of acceptance about the way that I look. I think about the way I look ALL the time. Literally, all the time. There is not ten minutes of a single day that goes by that I do not have a "fat" feeling. I can't seem to control the feelings-they come to me as naturally as breathing in air, a never-ending barrage of negative thoughts. I desperately want to slim down and (more importantly) love my body before we tie the knot.And so begins the experiment:
For those of you who know me fairly well, you know that I am very reserved, and I care a lot about what people think. So in an attempt to accomplish my goals in this very short time frame, I needed to do something drastic. I have tried before to hold myself accountable, and to make my fiance hold me accountable, but I have come to realize that the only person who can go on this journey is me. I am the only one who can be responsible for my successes or failures. Knowing this, I am doing the one thing that I know will work for me, difficult as it is. I am putting myself out there to be judged by all of you.
Through this blog, I will chronicle the next 3 months of my weight loss journey. I will record when I work out, what I eat, and how things are developing. And when I get really brave, pictures. My hope is that the peer pressure of my readers will help me in a positive way. I have had nothing but failure in going it alone, so now I am reaching out to my friends and loved ones for help. Any motivation, tough love or encouragement is appreciated. Even if no one ends up reading this, it has helped me a lot to put it out there.
xoxo Andrea
And, for those of who are interested, some background:
My struggle with my self image began back in fifth grade. I developed long before the other girls in my class. I towered over my friends, and felt so gawky and awkward walking in the hall with them, a whole head taller. The boys in 5th grade accused me of stuffing my bra (in 5th grade, can you imagine?) and I started to hide myself in bulky sweatshirts. I also gained a lot of weight during this growth spurt, which added to my problem. In middle school things evened out. I dropped from a size 13 to a 7, partially because I joined the cross country team and began daily 5 am runs with my dad. I had a lot of friends, and felt confident for the first time since (ugh, worst word in the English language) puberty.... and then my family moved accross the country. And then the summer before 9th grade, we moved again. I started high school feeling completely out of place and insecure. I made friends pretty quickly, but it is safe to say by the revolving door of loser boyfriends, I had no self awareness. Things leveled out in high school and I found my place, but I don't ever remember feeling really good about myself. I know this is completely normal high school behavior, but it astounds me now. I was 125-130 lbs in high school (at 5'8) and I always felt as though I were on the "chubby side". I didn't like any pictures of myself, and didn't believe friends and classmates who commented on how skinny I was.
So I began college feeling heavy. In the past, I never had to worry about what I ate or working out. I ate infrequently in high school (because I hated bringing my lunch to school) but when I did eat I ate a lot and I did not always eat healthy foods. We never ate out a lot growing up or got fast food (maybe pizza or a restaurant once a week) so it felt like a novelty when I was finally on my own. I realized I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Needless to say, a year of macaroni and cheese and fast food did not do well for me. When I went home for the holidays, my dad immediately asked how much weight I had gained at school. My mom began to encourage me to go to the gym every time we spoke. I started to feel bad about myself again, and didn't see a way out. I would have 2 week spells of going to the gym and dieting, only to get right back off track again. After a point I didn't feel like I'd ever be thin again, and gave up on trying.
Senior year things looked up for me. I became philanthropy chair of my sorority, and signed our chapter up for multiple charity 5K's in the area. I began to train for the runs, going to the gym 5 times a week. I ultimately ran a half marathon in February 2008, by which time I had shed about 15 pounds and toned up a lot. I bought shorts and mini dresses and skinny jeans. I felt great. And then one a hole guy made it all feel like nothing. We were at the pasta dinner the night before the race. Myself, Lee, and my friend Danielle. We shared a table with a couple andtheir 2 children. The woman was going to do the half the next day like Danielle and I. She told us it was her way of losing weight after the baby, and she hoped to do the race in under 2 hours. Danielle then commented that both of us were going to try to run it in 2.5 hours. The husband looked at both of us, and turned to Danielle and said, "Two and a half hours? But YOU look like a runner." This was followed by an awkward silence, and we left shortly after. His words cut me so deeply. I had worked so hard and I felt so good, and it was like it all didn't mean anything. I let 6 months of work be negated by something one man said. After that running wasnt the same for me. I ran the half marathon and started a running club at school shortly after, but I never got that passion back. I only ran with other people, never on my own. I went from running 5 days a week, to one day a week, to none at all. Soon after I graduated, and began working as a case manager at a foster care agency. The combination of a stress feuled environment, long hours, and daily lunches out took a toll on my weight. I gained back all of my running weight and added more, weighing between 185-190. I constantly tried new diets and workouts, but couldn't resist the temptation of eating out with all my friends, and so I would fail again.
I left that job in July 2009 and was out of work for almost a month. I then took a job as a preschool teacher close to my home. The new environment allowed me some progress, and I lost about 7 pounds in 2 months just from kicking the fast food lunch habit. But I knew it wouldn't be enough. Around this time I saw a sign in my apartment commmunity, advertising a boot camp fitness class. I felt like this was my opportunity to turn things around. I paid the money for the class and anxiously awaited the start date. Then, 2 days before the class was to begin, I got an email from the instructor. Apparently I was the only one to sign up for the class, and they had to cancel. I felt so discouraged, but I wanted to keep on this track. I felt like if I did not do something soon, I would never do it. I felt like this was my last chance to try. My fiance began googling boot camps in our area, and trying to find gyms with similar promotions. He found a few, but they were all very expensive. Meanwhile, I was sending texts to some friends, telling them my course was canceled. My future brother-in-law immediately texted me back, and asked if I would be interested in trying his "gym" Crossfit. It was something that had not occured to me before. I knew very little about Crossfit, except that it was varied, high intensity workouts. I ended up texting him back saying I would give it a try, and we decided to go the following Monday at 6am. The first day it was so hard I made it through less than 1/5 of the workout, before nearly passing out/throwing up. It was one of the worst ways I've felt in my life; I had never felt this way during a workout-and I loved it. Iended up finishing out my one week trial and signing up. I attend 3 days a week (for the most part). In 3 months I am down from 182 to 170 and am stronger than I have ever been. I run better and I can touch my toes for the first time in my life. Crossfit makes me feel like a new person. I do things I would have never thought possible.
So, in the spirit of this feeling, I want to push myself further, so I can really see results for the wedding. I still have a long way to go to reach my goals. I want to be 150 pounds by our wedding day, March 27, 2010. So that leaves me with 20 pounds to go. To do this, I need to increase my workouts to 5-6 times a week, and really change my diet. I am trying to stick to lean protein, lots of veggies, and limit my carbs to fruit. Hence, the accountability blog.
So now you are up to speed. Thanks in advance to those of you reading-you are making this possible.
Side note: I have decided not to share this with my fiance. I plan to post pictures of my dress-which is a secret to him. Additionally, he loves me too much to be mean to me-ever-and at this point I need people to be a little mean (in a supportive-hold-me-responsible-when-I-eat-a-cheeseburger-or-miss-a-workout-kinda way). So if you know Lee, please do not tell him. I plan to share it with him after the wedding.
